Unfortunately, CBS decides to interview Max. He tells us he’s a “warm blooded Italian” and that Katie’s a “cold German.” Uh, she’s like Hitler or something? What exactly are you getting at, Max? And I just don’t get these Americans so hung up on their ancestry for the most part anyway. Hey, if you’re right off a boat from another country and America is technically your second country, sure, go ahead and tell us about your inherited traits. But you know this Max and Katie were born right here in America and have probably never been close to Italy or Germany. I’m sorry, but that just makes you an annoying American. Call it for what it is. If you can’t even say hello or goodbye in those other languages, then you need to shut the hell up about it already. And, while you’re at it, stick that little flag you have hanging from your rearview mirror up your *ss. (Okay, rant over.) Anyway, Katie declares that she’s 24 with a doctorate in pharmacy, so, of course, she’s right about everything. Hmm, she did marry Max, so there goes that theory. Nice try, Katie.
Next, Jen is trudging through the disgusting obstacle course and tells us that she’s from Beverly Hills. We barely have a chance to process that information when she reveals her Grandpa was John Wayne. Seriously, holy sh*t, that’s awesome! I’d probably be walking around with a t-shirt that said that if I were her. Anyway, she didn’t have the t-shirt but I still think she really really wanted the world to know because she revealed the info in the dumbest way: “Wow! The dog following us around on this obstacle course’s name is Duke? My Grandpa was nicknamed the Duke because he was John Wayne! That must be a sign.” WOW! WHAT A COINCIDENCE, JEN! Maybe it IS your Grandfather in his reincarnated form?! I could totally see John Wayne coming back as an ugly scruffy dog roaming around New Zealand. I mean, seriously, I wonder how she weaves that info into her regular life when there’s not a dog named Duke around her. Somehow I’m thinking that she finds a way: “You went to Duke University? Wow! That’s crazy! My Grandpa’s name was the Duke!” [To a pooper scooper:] “You pick up poop for a living?! Wow! That’s crazy! Poop is sometimes called dookie and my Grandpa’s name was the Duke!” Hey, I said I’d be wearing a t-shirt with it written on it, so I’m not entirely sure why I’m giving her sh*t for bragging about it. (By the way, I’m embarrassed to admit I just had to Google the spelling of “dookie.” And I’m still not entirely sure it’s right.)
To end the show, Dave and Connor are first to head over to the pit stop. Dave is going on and on about how this is one for the history books because they won a leg of the race on crutches. Umm, not thinking this will quite make the history books, Dave. First, no offense, but you did have the help of the Express Pass to completely skip one of two tasks this week. So, you may want to take that self-aggrandizing down a notch. Crash-landing a plane in the Hudson River with all passengers alive is one for the history books. Now, if you somehow completely lost your entire bottom half and dragged yourself through the entire race by only your arms and torso, yeah, then you’ve got something there. Otherwise, good for you, but get a little bit of a grip. Anyway, Dave’s excitement was short-lived. It was like Phil kicked him in the crotch when he immediately handed Dave the next clue and said “You’re still racing!” Dave seems to be contemplating quitting at this point. So much for making the history books…
To be continued!
Written by:
Kim Wilson
Email: kwilson1101@gmail.com
Twitter: kwilson111
Hilarious recap Kim. Resident cartoon character…ha ha… your description of him made me burst out laughing.
Awesome recap. You really had me laughing!