Back to this episode. Boring, boring. Even Meghan high stepping and face planting into the snow couldn’t improve my mood. Then we’re stuck listening to Chuck and Wynona bicker the entire show. Hey, I kind of thought Chuck was just a nice guy with a terrible haircut, but apparently I was wrong. He was quite the d*ck this episode. I get it—Wynona was slow, whiny and annoying and she wasn’t doing much but holding him back on this leg. But, let’s face it: that’s everyday life. Your full-time job at home is pretending that your significant other isn’t the most annoying person on the planet and having to constantly build them up when you really feel like telling them the brutal truth most of the time. You know: “Hey Honey, I’d tell you to get your fat *ss on an elliptical but there’s a weight limit and you’d actually have to lose weight first just to be able to start working out.” That doesn’t go over all that well unless your actual plan is to have them punch you in the face and pack their bags. So, you grit your teeth and go with “No, you look great” instead and realize you’ll be looking at that same fat *ss forever, which will only be looking worse from here on out.
Anyway, back to Chuck who thinks it’s better to tell it like it is. Translation: He’s so sick of Wynona that he’s ready for her to hit him and pack her bags. He starts telling her how freaking slow she is and tells her he can’t believe that she’s slower than the Country Girls. Hmm. I am pondering the fact that she looks like she does in stretch pants and he expects her to be an Olympic runner in the snow or something. Why would he think the Country Girls would be slower than Wynona exactly? Those two look like they come right out of exercise videos. Then they get to the next location and Chuck finds out that it was all for nothing because they have to wait around for an hour anyway. Wynona sits there crying and boohooing in front of him about how disappointing she is to him three or four times and he’s totally ignoring her, pretending to count money or something. Chuck didn’t exactly look like Husband of the Year on this episode.
Surprise, surprise, the teams get a clue that they need to get a mountain rescue dog onto a train and take it to another station. The Country Girls can’t get their dog on the train so they start whining with pouty lips for “Anthonyyyyyyyyyy” to get their dog on the train. Of course, the horn dog (and I’m not talking about the one with the tail) came out to help when the competitive part of him should’ve been waving “bye” to them. So instead, he drags their dog onto the train. Then Caroline and Jennifer are letting this dog lick them right on–and probably inside–the lips. I mean, any dog owner knows that’s not a great idea. You see your dog sitting there licking it’s junk and literally eating other dogs’ sh*t whenever possible. I’ve seen my freaking dog eat right out of the litter box and lick up VOMIT like it’s ice cream before I can even get over to it. Yes, people. Vomit. There isn’t a dog’s tongue that’s getting anywhere near my face.
The teams finally make it to the top of the Alps. Seemed like they should’ve made it to the North Pole by now as many trains as we’ve been seeing. The teams are walking around in a ton of snow at the top of the mountain, and I’m kind of rooting for an avalanche to take out at least a couple of them. Honestly, if Bates, Anthony, the Country Girls and Max and Katie were to disappear forever in a cloud of white, I wouldn’t cry or anything. Katie tells us that she was literally looking down the side of the mountain and that it was FAR DOWN. Wow, thanks Katie. We didn’t realize the Alps were HIGH mountains. Please keep imparting your genius Ph.D. wisdom on us dummies out here.
Well, what do you know: an actual task. The teams have to rock climb 6,000 feet up for the Road Block. Wynona wants to do this one and I think everyone is collectively thinking, “Wow, this should go well.” Chuck tells Wynona while she’s waiting to rock climb that if something goes wrong, he won’t remarry for the first month. Nice, Chuck. It would probably take at least a month to find a blind person who can’t see that fuzzy animal straddling the top of your head. Maybe another month to find a blind person without hands. Because if you have hands, you’re going to figure out that’s a mullet up there fairly quickly.