AMAZING RACE – 11/11/12

Jaymes and James hit the pool and I must say, I was thrilled. There’s nothing like a couple of meatheads attempting to perform a synchronized swimming routine. (Well, except a couple of former rockers and gay guys, but we’ll get to that later.) Good job, CBS. This was definitely one of the more entertaining tasks this season. Jaymes says that his flowered swimming cap looked like Mama from Mama’s Family. I’m probably the only geek that got that joke. He had a point too, because the caps totally resembled Mama’s fake gray hair. For all of you who aren’t 100 years old like I am and don’t get the reference, here’s a pic.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://o.aolcdn.com/photo-hub/news_gallery/7/0/706320/1298078654225.JPEG&imgrefurl=http://www.aolnews.com/2011/02/27/kansas-city-residents-lobby-for-vicki-lawrence-mama-statue/&h=360&w=240&sz=25&tbnid=xMKRZGIKiYG_LM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=60&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dmama%2Bfrom%2Bmama’s%2Bfamily%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=mama+from+mama’s+family&usg=__qjm2evHcvl92DoHJccZaXS0DB6w=&docid=Ba8WUQDwaC56IM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=TBuhUNrzKqbN0AGD-4GgAQ&sqi=2&ved=0CEIQ9QEwBA&dur=331

I honestly was not really sure why they were stuck wearing these caps anyway, except so that we could tell who was who. The Russians weren’t wearing any caps at all. I mean, I guess everyone was SO good at this task it wouldn’t have been easy for us to keep the Racers apart from the professionals, right? Uh, not really. Also, those dumb caps reminded me of that birth control commercial for Yaz or Nuva Ring or whatever. It was really creepy to insert some of these men into that picture. For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, here’s the commercial:

Jaymes and James seemed to think this task would be little more than putting the caps on and diving into the pool in sync with the ladies. Jaymes says, “Cool, we got this!” Then they found out there were like 76 other steps to do once they got in the water. Jaymes says, “You got a couple of big oafs in the water and you know what’s going to happen.” He was right, these two were funny. Especially, James. What the F was with James’ dive?! THAT was one of the funniest things I’ve EVER seen. He looked like a dying penguin falling in the water or something. It was basically a belly flop with a weird leg kick in the back. Must’ve hit rewind 50 times on that one.

Back to the library: The library appears to be a really creepy place. Looks like the one Naomi Watts was researching in in the movie “The Ring.” Really old with those 60s aqua blue colored metal desks all over. Anyway, Lexi shows up and asks the rockers how it’s going. Abba tells her, “Run for your lives!” He said he’d rather drown in the pool than do this task. Apparently, that was the case, because the rockers decide to throw in the towel to do the synchronized swimming instead. I can’t wait to see this one, with the exception of the fact that I’m guessing that these two are hairy all over. Trey and Lexi seem to do better than the rockers at the library task, though they are pretty annoying. These are the type of couple that says “Babe” 50 times a minute. Every time they say ANYTHING, “Babe” is somewhere in there. You know, “I just sh*t my pants, Babe.” It’s kind of like the Canadians saying “eh” at the end of every sentence. I find this “Babe” sh*t nauseatingly annoying.

We’re back to the pool. James (#1 at this point for the worst dive EVER) says that this task is hard because the judge is “amazingly brutal.” Yeah, you’re awful at this, James. It’s not that she’s brutal; it’s that YOU SUCK. That judge laughed her ass off at his dive, so I kind of liked her. This judge started getting to Natalie and Nadiya too. That Express Pass started burning a hole in their collective Speedo pockets after a couple crappy performances. Jaymes, in probably a dumb move strategically, tells them not to waste the Express Pass because the gays and Abbie and Satan still haven’t even landed in Russia yet. They were smart to listen to him and not to bail on this task. Let me tell you, those Chippendales have rally grown on me. Maybe it was that awful dive by James that won me over, but those two are pretty funny. I really wouldn’t mind seeing those two win this thing. Hopefully there aren’t any dive tasks left in the Race.

Back to the airport where [wonk-wonk-wonk] the gays and Abbie and Ryan are still moping around dejectedly at their layover location. They make a pact that they will run the Race together once they get to Russia. Wow, we may actually get to physically see Abbie and Ryan run Josh and Brent over at the end. That’s if they are neck and neck. My guess is the resident a-holes will be ahead of Josh and Brent based on the Detour choices. Especially if they choose synchronized swimming. Hell, though, those gays may be awesome at it. Aquadesiac may make a comeback and kick Abbie and Ryan’s asses at it.

And, back at the pool, the rockers have arrived. Yikes. They look about as bad as I expected in Speedos. The coach sees them and says, “I’m already afraid.” Me too, Lolita. Me too. She wasn’t disappointed because the rockers are AWFUL in the pool. Their dives rated about a two, and that’s only because a one would’ve meant that they landed on the concrete instead of in the water. Also, I think CBS should’ve given them a hour or two to shave down their bodies before putting those Speedos on. This phenomenon of disgustingly hairy backs when the chest is basically bare of hair is quite strange. I think we need to devote some money and resources on researching this issue. Anyway, the rockers were awful, and had done the routine about 300 times when the coach figured it came down to a choice between gouging her eyes out and sending them on her way. She rolled her eyes and gave them a totally disgusted thumbs up. You could tell they still totally sucked at the performance but she just didn’t want to see their hairy asses anymore. Rio, 2016? I think not. These two wouldn’t score a two trying to make a whirlpool in someone’s ratty above-ground pool somewhere.

I was just thinking that Abbie and Ryan haven’t annoyed me that badly yet, when they…well, ANNOY ME! They have finally made it to the pool when Abbie answers one of the chicks IN RUSSIAN and then says about how she isn’t worried about the task because she’s a dance instructor. I’m hoping that the whole “dancing in water” thing takes her down. To be exact, down to the bottom of the pool. Turd swirling down the toilet bowl, down. Nice translation: I don’t like her very much. I’m so sick of her and her pretentious boyfriend/ex-husband. How do you say “F you!” in Russian?