Hello everyone! Looks like we’re already back for another season of The Amazing Race. Thank you God, I don’t think there are any “Survivor” or “Big Brother” rejects showing up. Of course, we have the typical cast of characters, some hand-picked as completely unlikeable. Their own parents are probably rooting against these people. Let’s get started right away with this season’s teams:
1. Chuck and Winona. Married and living in 1984. I mean Alabama. Seriously, this guy doesn’t just have a mullet. He’s got one of those perm mullets. Not sure if he’s ever been wooed by a large poodle before, but there have got to be some confused dogs out there in Alerbamer. Anyway, they’ve got a house full of animal corpses hanging from their walls; maybe even a couple of dogs and cats up there. Is that even legal here? Anyway, they say they are rednecks and uh, yeah, they aren’t lying.
2. Bates and Anthony from North Carolina. These two are brothers and former Pro ice hockey players. One brother has the missing front tooth but still thinks the chicks are lining up because he was once in the NHL. If you’ve already retired, go ahead and buy yourself that tooth you’ve been saving for, guy.
3. Mona and Beth. Working moms from Colorado by day; roller derby chicks by night. They are keeping that nugget a secret from the other teams in case there’s a challenge requiring a backward skate in Bangladesh or something.
4. Max and Katie. Married for three weeks and from Buffalo. These two were immediately at the top of my list of teams to root against. She looks like a pageant chick, or just a chick that thinks she looks like one. Totally annoying. She looks like someone who probably just threw a $500,000 wedding but still whined that someone else had better. And Max. Oh, Max. Unless it’s gotten a lot hotter in Buffalo recently, this tool TANS. There is zero excuse for any guy to put on those goofy goggles and lying in a tanning bed. No one should be bright orange in February. My guess is I’ll be hoping for these two to die pretty soon.
5. Dave and Connor. Father and son cancer survivors from Salt Lake City. Dave says they are best friends. Uh, is there anyone out there that still thinks it’s okay to be best friends with a parent? Anyway, both have had cancer of one of the genital regions. Not sure if there’s something with riding bikes professionally and testicular cancer, but the shoe seems to fit. Maybe it’s that stupid bar found on men’s bikes. I know I was almost sterilized by one once.
6. Jessica and John. Dating 4 years and from Southern California. I guess they are from a town not worth mentioning. Jessica is apparently our resident “Tee hee, I hope he proposes soon” chick. It’s going to be a long season with these two. This guy should be proposing because he is one goofy looking dude. He’s got about 300 teeth in his mouth or something. Maybe he should give one to Anthony since he’s got the extra.
7. Idries and Jamil. Twin doctors from Chicago. At first, I couldn’t believe “The Bachelor” hadn’t cast one of these two yet. Then they started talking and the realized a couple of things: (1) They are super dorky and (2) At least one has a gay vibe going. In fact, I’d almost think they were a gay couple if there wasn’t the whole incest thing going on. These two sit way too close together. The one in the back is just leaning in way too close during their interviews. Anyway, it’s so cute how they feel like they have to show the twins in their everyday OB/GYN lives. There’s a cute spot where they show us both brothers performing an ultrasound on some chick. Um, does that ever happen? Like, two medical doctors are required for one ultrasound? As if there isn’t really some ultrasound tech that does all that lowly crap anyway. The nurses all but delivered all three of my kids. Those docs came in pretty much just to catch the baby. But whatever, CBS, it’s your show.
8. Pam and Winnie. Asian chicks and best friends from Los Angeles. “We don’t look tough, but we really are…blah blah blah.”
9. Joey and Meghan. YouTube videographers or whatever the hell you call people besides my 7 year old son that make stupid videos on an iPhone. They brag that they have 500,000 subscribers but it looks like some Disney XD crap to me with goofy looking people walking around with neon hats while Hansen plays. The guy is dressed like Where’s Waldo and probably stands half a chance with Elton John. The girl? I’ve forgotten her already. No clue what she looks like.
10. Matt and Daniel. Best friends and firefighters from South Carolina. They’ve got thick southern accents. Probably a hint to us when they barely focused on these two.
11. Caroline and Jennifer. Live in Nashville, and are in some band called “Stealing Angels.” They are lip synching already on CBS. My guess is there isn’t a Grammy in their future. But hey, they’ve got a better shot than Mindy McCready now, huh? Ahhh, I know it’s in poor taste and way too soon. But anyone who feels the need to shoot their dog on their way out the door deserves it. That poor dog. You know when she was pointing that gun at him he was thinking, “Damn, I knew this b*tch was crazy, but even I didn’t see this coming.” Oh well, maybe Chuck and Winona will hang him on their wall.
Good recap. I enjoyed it very much and agree with you on the lack of challenging tasks in prior seasons. Hope the rest of the season’s tasks stay competitive.
Somethings up with your pit stop order, the doctors are missing.
^^ and there are 11 teams, not 10.
But other than that, I literally lol’ed at work and got strange looks from my boss. Keep up the awesomely non-PC recaps, they make my day just a little bit more tolerable.
I wasSO happy when the Race came back on this season, more because now I can look forward to your recaps! I literally check the site all day on Mondays waiting for you to post…so I, like the above commenter, can laugh my a$$ off. I even read portions out loud to my kids.
I recently resigned from my low-paying, high stress job to return to Stay-At-Home Mom status, so now I’m even more bored and looking forward to your recaps to justify $hit like avoiding doing the laundry. Keep up the great work. P.S. I in no way hold you (or Steve) responsible for my husband’s lack of clean underwear.