AMAZING RACE – 3/10/13

The country girls are next singing in their taxi. Surprise, surprise. I’m totally shocked that these chicks are trying to get famous off of this show. Wow, that never happens. Like we weren’t going to hear them trying to promote their crappy music at some point. Tell us more about John Wayne or shut your country pie hole already, Jennifer. Anyone else have ANY clue what the hell she was talking about Caroline having a flying monkey living in her bra that died of loneliness? You start talking like that around here, the straight jacket is not far behind. Either she was trying to be funny or was straight up drunk.

The teams hit the Detour. It’s a choice between “Sandy Bottom” or “Fruity Top.” “Sandy Bottom” was basically collecting black sand from the bottom of a river and transporting it to a brick maker. “Fruity top” was preparing some statute made out of fruit and transporting it to a priest.

Winnie and Pam choose the fruity task. Winnie thinks she’s amazingly smart because she thought to count the number of fruit for the base. “I make stuff for a living so I know to count the number of fruit for the base!” Uh, all the teams counted the amount of fruit. Actually, that seemed to be part of the task too, so whatever, Winnie. She gets pissed because she’s all worried about making her fruit stack pretty but the rest of the teams are basically just throwing their fruit on there and getting the go-ahead. No kidding, Dave and Connor’s looked like it would topple over but they got sent right on their way. Maybe that big boot he’s wearing is getting him some sympathy.

The country chicks say to the lady “Is this the most beautiful work of art you’ve ever seen? “ She’s like, “Nah. Your singing sucks too. But here’s your clue anyway.”

Jessica and John seem to be nearing the back of the back. They are looking for the fruity task and just roll up to some guy at his house. He says “No English.” John notices some crappy flowered art projects the guy seems to be working on and he and Jessica just start making the stuff too. They are in the process of putting sarongs on when some other guy shows up and basically says, “Who the hell are you?” He tells them they are at the wrong place and they are left scratching their heads about why they got so far before they figured that one out. This was one of those strange scenarios that would probably never happen in America. Here, these two would have had a gun in their face or at least someone would’ve been like “Kick rocks, *ssholes” much sooner than that.

John and Jessica finally find the fruit task, but they totally suck at stacking fruit. First thing that came to my mind: “Good thing they don’t work at Superfresh or something.” My second thought was this: Speaking of Superfresh, you know, we actually got a call from them the day after 9/11. We’re sitting there in our family room, about two hours away from New York City, watching the endless coverage of the horror of the towers falling and those poor people with the signs looking for their lost loved ones, when the damn phone rings. And it’s some stupid *ss survey for Superfresh. I probably should tell you, my husband just loves a good survey because he’s got this thing with messing with telemarketers. He also likes to put them on speakerphone because it’s apparently no fun unless someone else hears him messing with them. Anyway, this surveyor actually asked—THE DAY AFTER 9/11—“Could you imagine a world without Superfresh?” and asked him to rate that statement on a scale between one and ten. I swear, this is a true story. Unbelievable. Honestly, I’m not even sure if there are any Superfresh stores left. They all closed up around here. Maybe people boycotted them after that dumb survey. But since they were the grocery store in my head when Jessica and John sucked at stacking, they’ve succeeded in staying in my head at least.