AMAZING RACE – 3/3/13

Hello again, we’re back at week #3. And let’s get right to it: The Race started off this week back at the pit stop with Dave and Connor. At the end of the last episode, Dave suspected that he ruptured his Achilles tendon while making a run for it to the pit stop. This week, he got the bad news from a doctor pretty quickly that he needed a sonogram, a specialist and some crutches. Crutches aren’t exactly helpful when you’re trying to run a race, though I wouldn’t mind seeing him beating someone to death with one. Anyway, the prognosis seemed pretty dim as the doc didn’t mince words and basically told him “Tough t*tties, you’re pretty much out, pal.” Dave decides to see if a miracle will happen so that he can keep racing. He decides to see a doctor in Tahiti to see if can stay in the race. I definitely have to give him credit for not just quitting.

The first clue reveals that the teams are flying 3,000 miles to New Zealand. It always blows my mind when you find out that Tahiti is still 3,000 miles away from New Zealand. I always picture them all jumbled together far away in the South Pacific. These places must be about 12,000 miles away from me, not that I have a spare $15,000 lying around to actual travel to any of them. Anyway, another short Ford Focus commercial and the teams have to drive themselves to some gorge.

D*ckhead John is now saying that they will give Dave and Connor the second Express Pass because they’re probably out anyway due to Dave’s injury. He surmises that that way, no other team will get the benefit of it. Really nice, John. They were totally contemplating not giving the Express Pass to Dave and Connor at all until they realized it won’t do Dave and Connor any good anyway. NOW they are good for their word. Ah, I guess it is a race for a million, not a meet and greet. Maybe it was a good strategic decision. The other teams would be less likely to see an alliance than just think that John and Jessica felt bad for Dave and wanted to help him out. Plus, I guess the other members of their alliance will think they are actually good for their word. I just find John to be a completely annoying jerk so far, so I am guessing he’ll be burning even those alliance bridges soon enough.

While looking over the clue that they are headed to New Zealand, which she probably thinks entails a space launch, Winona contemplates that the furthest out of the country that she and Chuck have been so far is Niagara Falls. Then Chuck says they’ve never been out of the country. I’m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe one of them is not sure whether or not they “crossed over” into Canada, but in reality, I’m guessing that Chuck thinks that Canada is actually part of the U.S. I must admit that I’m a little distracted by the thought of just how bad his hair must’ve looked near the Falls.

Speaking of really bad hair, I’m actually not sure that I’d take John’s hairstyle before I’d take Chuck’s. And that is saying something. John seems to think he’s a blonde Pauly D or something. At least Pauly D has some sense to keep his hair somewhat shorter on top. This dumb*ss John must have a full 12 inches of bright blonde length glued straight up there with a big *ss 80s era sweatband across his forehead. Seriously, what the hell? And that goofy gummy-toothy smile. I don’t find anything attractive about this guy. THIS is who the roller derby chicks believe is Abercrombie model material? I mean, I know they are moms who are probably up to their eyeballs in sh*tty diapers all day but come on, you still know good looking when you see it. And it is not John, our resident cartoon character. I hope those two were just kissing butt on that one.

We soon see that John is also ugly on the inside when they hit the ticket counter for tickets to Tahiti. Bates and Anthony are already at the counter in the process of buying the last two seats on the first plane. Unfortunately, they have a clerk in training or something who is slow as can be and Jessica and John steal the seats with the help of their marginally faster clerk. Hey, I’ve got not problem with that. This is a race for a million dollars and these people are not their friends or family. Go ahead and try to get those first seats. What I have trouble with is his eight-year-old way of handling it. I mean, John walks over there and completely rubs their noses in it cackling and basically all but says “Na, na, na, na na!” to them. Not a smart move, John. Making enemies on purpose, especially when you’re a pseudo-threat for coming in first place already, is not a very smart way to handle things. Yours is gonna be the first face they see when it comes to U-turn time.