AMAZING RACE – 10/21/12

Meanwhile, back to that p*ssy Jujitsu guy. Is it me or is this the same guy who is always going on about how strong and competitive he is yet he didn’t have the balls to try for the Fast Forward even though he and Abbie were FIRST to get the clue? Whatever. I really don’t want to hear how competitive you are when you p*ssied out of that one. And this jerk thinks he’s so funny. “There’s a certain method to using this putty. I’m playing with my putty.” Ha-Ha-Ha. You are so funny. My guess is that your putty is tiny. Abbie had a brain when she got rid of this jerk once; it’s amazing she’s turned it off again. And, as if I don’t think this guy is distasteful enough, he sweat so much he couldn’t read his clue anymore. His sweat literally burned the words off of the paper. I’m sure he smelled fantastic. He offers Jaymes (a/k/a “Y”) some offer that if Y gives him the info on the clue he’d give Y some tips on working with the putty. I was personally hoping Y would tell him to piss off and leave him dangling in the wind. Unfortunately, Y is the kind of guy making deals on trains to not U-turn anyone, is totally too nice for this Race, and he freaking shares the clue with Ryan. Damn it all! In exchange, Ryan gives Y totally sage advice on putty: “Spread the putty like this” and points to his own finished bus or whatever. Thanks, Einstein. That was helpful.

Honestly, James sucks at the putty task. That advice from Ryan was as helpful as it seemed. What an idiot. He ends up having to scrape off everything he did and redo it. It looked like something a five year old would do with putty. And Y and James need to get off of the “Abbie and Ryan are so awesome!” train. They are going on about how they couldn’t do it without Abbie because she was cheering him on while he was scraping. Spare us, please. No one likes Abbie. Abbie sucks.

Wow, I thought James was bad at this, but Gary is horrible too. Have any of these people EVER worked with spackle before? It’s not that hard of a concept. They don’t seem to get the fact that if the putty looks like sh*t while it’s still wet, it will still look like sh*t when dry. They also don’t seem to get the fact that it’s no longer malleable once dry. Morons! These people must not have kids. I think there is literally a hole punched or kicked or Legoed into a wall in our house daily. Picture the towel bar used as a pull up bar, a collapse, and two big holes result. This is every day in my house. I can whip out a bucket of spackle and a putty knife in ten seconds flat. I’ve got spare sandpaper and spare paint for every wall color in the freaking house. So I am blown away that all of these men absolutely suck at this. It was seriously like Gary just had thumbs or something. He wasn’t even close to making that bus look smooth. He was as tall as the bus itself and still couldn’t get it done. Pathetic. So much for first place, loser.

Perhaps my favorite point in the night last night was Ryan the Jujitsu Jerk getting all upset with Natalie rooting Nadiya on with the sanding. Was she annoying? Yes. Did it rise to the level of Rachel cheering on Brendon annoying? No way. Ryan was just so rattled by it and Abbie wasn’t much better. Abbie made a self-offing motion and I only wish her finger was loaded. Wow, that would’ve been a nice surprise. Like a shark suddenly showing up in one of those crappy above ground pools surprise. Anyway, Ryan wastes all this time complaining about Natalie instead of just shutting up and effing scraping. Then the jerk*ff says that the seats are too heavy for the girls and they’ll never be able to do it. Nice. He, of course, has to make it look like he’s picking the seats up with one finger but then he totally struggles. What a puss. Rob (who doesn’t look all that healthy, really) picked two of them up at once and carried both at the same time. I loved it when Nadiya freaking picked the seat up over her head and RAN with it. Take that, Mr. Jujitsu. And she wasn’t sweating like a disgusting pig either.

Next was the Detour. This was a choice of pounding out a hot spike or pound cotton clumps into a comforter. Exciting stuff. At least now we see how those crap comforters get their start. Here they come, Kmart. I’ll never blink at the prices at Pottery Barn again. Hell, for all I know they are beating those comforters too on a dirty street in Bangladesh. The cotton kind of looks like it’s full of asbestos or something. Anyway, if anyone ever wondered where the comforters used to conceal dead bodies right before they are dumped in the woods get their start, you now have your answer.

The teams that choose the comforter task have to beat the cotton, load it into the comforter somewhat evenly and then sew up the side. Jujitsu Jerk keeps jumping around dancing and doing the freaking robot or something because Abbie can freaking thread a needle and sew crappily. (If “crappily” is not a word, it should be.) He starts chanting, “One year at the Fashion Institute just paid off” a couple times. Uh, not really. I’m hoping the students at the Fashion Institute have more than just rudimentary sewing skills. That was sewing that a 9 year old would’ve been better at and yet Ryan’s dancing around like a freaking moron. Wish someone would have sewn his effing lips shut.

Back to Abba and James: Abba apparently stepped in some raw sewage during the Fast Forward and couldn’t stop freaking out about it. Hey, I don’t blame him. Notice you didn’t see any “Visit Bangladesh!” advertisements during this show. Why bother. It’s kind of a bad advertisement when tourists are stepping in raw sewage right on the streets. I guess the need for Rat Enforcement Officers isn’t all that good of a thing either. Anyway, Abba’s really freaking out about it. He was was so paranoid about it that he emptied a tiny bottle of sanitizer onto his foot in the taxi. Kind of like what I do with my hands after a short trip to Goodwill. Other people’s stuff = kind of disgusting. They really need to invest in better air fresheners in those places. That “someone old died and we emptied all their crappy sh*t right into this Goodwill” smell just permeates everything.

Lexi spoke the famous last words of this episode: “Now we’re moving!” Immediately after that, you hear a sputter sound from the engine and then the taxi totally craps out. The driver, clearly a master mechanic, jumps out and starts pouring water on the engine. Of course, Lexi thinks it’s Sprite—well, because the water’s in a Sprite container. I might’ve thought it was Sprite too if the bottle didn’t look like it was around since 1982. Who knows, maybe Lexi thought they were refilling the bottle with more Sprite. Another great ad for a University of Texas education. Anyway, even Gary and Will whiz by Trey and Lexi and the last we saw Gary, he was still plastering himself to the side of the bus.