AMAZING RACE – 10/21/12

Week 4 already. Man, these football games are really screwing me over, especially when they go into OT. It’s getting to where you’re not watching Amazing Race until 10 or something. And you got to suffer through that stupid ticking clock over and over with 60 Minutes first. Maybe it’s different on the West Coast, but over here on the East Coast, it really sucks.

Anyway, on to the show. And…great. I’m reminded that my favorite karate jerk and dancer ex-wife/girlfriend/fiancé/whatever were in first. These two have to show us just how smart they are by showing us one finger that corresponds to their coming in first place on the last leg. They show us one finger like no less than 6 times. Thanks, we get the concept of first place and don’t need a game of charades from you to grasp that. I’ve got one finger to show you too, but I don’t think you’ll like it.

Over to Will and Gary, who are leaving last. Will says that this was the greatest comeback ever. He rattles on about how they may win this thing. Uh, couple of points I need to make here. First, to call this the greatest comeback ever is a bit of an overstatement—both in the overall entire world of statistics and even as to the Amazing Race. I’m guessing there was something on Planet Earth that once trumped your comeback last week. Like perhaps that guy that chops his own legs off when stuck in a rocky ravine for a month eating his own feces and then drags himself by the arms back to safety. I don’t think their having to do both stupid U-turns and beating two b*tchy blondes to the finish line as quite rising to that level. Which brings me to point #2 (That’s the equivalent of two fingers in case Ryan and Abbie are reading this). Point #2 is that Gary and Will, comeback aside, were still in last place last week. I think it’s still a bit of a leap to declare they are going to win the whole thing. But what do I know. Anyway, they think Rob and Kelley u-turned them (which they did) but Rob and Kelley are going to pretend they didn’t do it. Not sure I’m a huge fan of the “anonymous” U-turn. I kind of like the balls required to U-turn another team and know that they are going to know. The drama that follows can be pretty entertaining.

The traffic situation over in Bangladesh looks to be the third ring of hell. Next time I’m stuck in that ten-minute patch of traffic at 8 in the morning and cussing about it, I’ll remind myself that I could be in some other country. In Bangladesh, there are fruit carts, a pack of cattle, buses, cars, bikes, rickshaws, twelve clowns on a unicycle and countless other modes of transportation trying to cross each other from all directions at the same time. Holy traffic disaster, this is a total free for all. And frigging horns are honking all the time. Not exactly sure what the point of honking is. I guess the horns mean, “Hello, here I effing come!” I must say I wouldn’t have minded seeing a nice fiery collision involving one of the fruit carts and maybe a chicken truck. That would’ve made for some cool TV.

Our favorite guy with highlighter hair and his mullet wife are next shown in a taxi. Well, there’s at least one guy out there with a worse hair color than Rob. The taxi driver has some kind of bright red-orange beard that could not possibly look worse. Yuck. I’m just trying to picture this guy is his long white toga-thing (yeah, I’m pretty worldly…don’t know what those things are called and DON’T CARE) over his sink at home dying that beard with those crappy latex gloves and a Saran Wrap shower cap on his head. I guess we know what the conversation was in that taxi. YOU have awful hair, and SO DO I! Shave your head, shave your beard, you are both disgusting.

Yay! Back to the Jujitsu piece of crap and his annoying dancer partner. He says, “This place is funky monkey.” Like a frigging parrot, Abbie feels the need to repeat “Fun-ky Mon-key.” Nice. I’m only surprised that he didn’t turn to the camera and tell us to go to his website jujitsu-as*hole.com to buy a t-shirt with that little catchphrase on it. Any doubt that this tool HAS a website out there? Probably filing some stupid trademark on the phrase as we speak.

I had to love it because I think Natalie and Nadiya hate these two also. Natalie sees them near the Road Block and says, “Those two idiots got here first!” I like these two more and more. Anyway, the first part of the Road Block is spackle and sand a bus, get it ready for paint and then remove three seats and deliver them. Kind of sounds more like someone’s really crappy daily job than a task on a Race for a million, but whatever.

A Fast Forward option is also offered with the Road Block. I just want to say that I was surprised that NO ONE had the balls before Abba and James to try for the Fast Forward. In prior seasons, you’d have five teams at the Fast Forward all trying to go right to the pit stop. This one, at least the first four teams to the Road Block all opt against the Fast Forward and the fifth team is the first one to say: “Sure, why not.” Really? No one else had the balls to try for it? Honestly, the Fast Forward sucked—I mean, who likes to fill a bag with dead rats? But seriously, it was EASY if you could get over the disgusting part of it. You’ve got gloves, you don’t have to swim through a sea of poo to get to the rats, and you don’t have to move them from basket to bag with your teeth or anything. Grow a set, Racers! I have to give it to Abba and James for being the only ones with brains and guts on this leg of the Race. The rats thing, while unpleasant, was so much easier than the sanding task. At least for the morons attempting the sanding task anyway. Unfortunately, I also have to give Abba the award for the biggest Moobs. Thanks a lot for that shot of them bouncing around while he was running, Editors.