Finally, the Race is about to begin. Phil gives the teams the speech about the possibility of winning two million dollars—apparently you actually have to win the first and last legs to win the two mill. So, this was not quite the package they sold us on the promo commercials, but whatever. Anyone notice that Rob’s urine-soaked hair has now taken on a green “swam too much in the pool this summer” look? So now he has hair the color of urine with a little extra green on top. Disgusting. I found myself wondering if a Highlighter factory exploded, whether the survivors would look a lot like Rob.
Back to the Race. Phil says “Go!” and they start right away with a big rappel off of a bridge to get a clue and then we quickly get our first “Ford Escape” product placement. Looks like Ford poured some big bucks into this show again. We’re tortured with a bunch of product shots. Anyway, during the frantic rappel event, one of these female morons we’re going to be stuck enduring must’ve said “Yeeeee hawwww” 45 times in 15 seconds or so. They didn’t show who it was but I’ve got an inkling she’s probably wearing ugly burnt sienna and white colored cowboy boots.
The teams finally get to the clue which directs them to take one of two flights to Shanghai. One is aboard China Air, the other one: Eva Air. Uh, what? Anyone ever heard of this one? I am not sure I’d get onto an airline I never heard of, myself. But you hang the idea of two mill out there, and I’d bet you’d see people jumping on the back of a seagull 10,000 feet up if someone told them to.
The teams land in Shanghai and Abba and James (again, thanks a lot to casting. THREE guys names James on ONE show?) are in a taxi. The driver actually asks them where they are from. Uh, you got two guys who look like ZZ Top – straight up former head banger types with permed mullets down to their butts, whistling all obnoxiously for a taxi and yet you’re not sure where they’re from? Well, they sure as hell aren’t from Iran, are they? I’ll give him a break because I’m sure he was just shooting the breeze with these two, and really could not care less where they were from.
Jaymes and James are shown in another taxi, likely having the maximum intelligent conversation possible for these two. They are talking about how they feel so hot that it’s like a rotisserie chicken roasting from late night TV. No conversations about astrophysics or anything going on here. I’ve watched enough stupid infomercials that I know what they are talking about. That’s what’s scary.
The teams move to the next task, which is some Forrest Gump type kid they have to score a point against in ping pong. The best part was that I totally thought this was a boy. Anyone else? This kid really needed a name tag that said “Hello…my name is FEMALE.” It was very confusing. Pretty funny because one of the twins kept talking about how she couldn’t beat “him” and that “he’s” hitting the ball too hard. This twin must’ve referred to her as a “he” or “him” at least 12 times. One of the Jameses said “All you gotta do is beat that little 10 year old.” Either Abba or James called him a “dude.” Clearly, none of them knew if she was a boy or girl either. I guess I wasn’t the only one. I was totally waiting for the kid to scream ”I’m an f’ing girl, you a**holes!”
Not a surprise that CBS left Josh’s reading of the ping pong clue in: “Who’s ready to get paddled?” Brent dutifully raises his hand and says “Me!” I guess I could be grade school about it and make a joke like “Just another typical Saturday night for these two.” But I won’t. I will not give in to The Man. Otherwise, the terrorists win or something.
Well, next was a real treat. The Road Block required that one team member eat frog fallopian tubes. The clue said “Who wants to go tubing?” Uh, really? Classy clue, CBS. Kind of disgusting all the way around. Anyway, this show just turned into Fear Factor real quick. Gone are the “Eat this huge bowl of noodles!” tasks. Seriously, do people really eat this crap over there? The natives seemed to think this was all really hilarious so I am not sure they really do. One local was holding her nose like a kid would while watching them eat. The fact that these team members were kissing each other after finishing the task was disturbing to me. Something was just wrong about that.
Uh oh, Mr. Urine Hair finishes his bowls of fallopian tubes and then realizes he screwed up and has to eat two more. Mr. Sons of Anarchy deflated pretty quickly after that. Looked to be ready to stomp, cry and quit over it. I can’t do this! I can’t do this! Waaaaahhhhh! Wasn’t this the same jerk that was just going on and on about how he stomps the competition with his monster trucks just a mere 15 minutes ago? Yet now he’s been brought to his knees by a bowl of fallopian tubes. Way to go, tough guy.