Our favorite show is back and apparently they’ve raised the stakes this time—the prize is now 2 million dollars. Damn, if I’d have known that I would’ve freaking tried out instead of just sitting here typing and getting fatter. Anyway, with such a huge prize I’d better see some damn carnage right before my eyes. None of this racing-with-class-let’s-team-up business. I want to see sabotage and slander and four letter words and blood spilling, like forcing-other-cars-off-the-cliffside-road type sh*t. In case I’m not clear, I’m expecting straight up old school cartoon type hijinks. Bombs and sledgehammers to the skull and guns and racers getting f’ing run over by taxis. We are talking 2 mill here. Act like the self-absorbed, greedy, shallow racers that you are! So let’s move on to our fun cast of characters for this season.
1. Trey and Lexi. These two are “dating” and from Austin, TX. Former football player and cheerleader from University of Texas. I’m sure the school is figuratively shaking its head that it didn’t prevent the show from letting these two mention their alma mater. Not exactly a good advertisement for graduating their alumni with brains intact. She giggles that she wants to win the race so she can finally get a ring on her finger. She’s in a cheerleading uniform with cowboy boots that are in those white and ugly burnt sienna or whatever UT colors and he’s in his football uniform carrying her off like a football. She already seems like one of these moronic chicks that puts “LOL hahahahahahahaha” after every post on Facebook and is so stupid she laughs at everything. Someone brings up 9/11 and this idiot laughs, know what I mean? Time to take those uniforms off and enter the real world. Any chance that ultrasounds won’t show UT paraphernalia already on their unborn fetuses?
2. Natalie and Nadiya; Twins, born in Queens but raised in Sri Lanka. We quickly move to the cute Parent Trap type BS. They took each others exams and midterms! And their teachers had no clue! [snort snort] They joke that they already graduated so they guess it’s okay to reveal this majorly incriminating information to us. Yeah, you both passed right? So, um, who cares? You almost could hear the theme song from “The Patty Duke Show” on while they were talking. “But they’re cousins….identical cousins…” I’m getting a bit of a dumb vibe from these two. I’d blame it on Sri Lanka but unfortunately there were quite a few dummies in this bunch that were obviously straight from the U.S.A.
3. James and Abba; rock star and entertainment lawyer from Los Angeles. The rock star was in White Lion and then went to Megadeth. Can we still call people from these bands “rock stars?” We’re not talking Aerosmith here. Of course, they had to play that damn “Wait” song in the background because no one but me would probably know who the hell White Lion was otherwise. Oh yeah, they sang THAT song. And by the way, thanks a lot, Bret Michaels. Now we’re going to keep seeing 80s hair band rejects on these shows.
4. Josh and Brent, goat farmers from farm country, NY. At first, I was suspicious but not 100% sure if they were gay. Then they started talking about making racing fabulous like they made farming fabulous and all but flung their arms in the air like this was Project Runway, and I got the point. I guess they are a couple too unless they are friends that just like holding hands.
5. Amy and Daniel – dating couple from Colorado. I must admit at first when she started talking and I realized this was one of those typical “I’ve survived so much!” stories, and I was annoyed. Like, here we go / let me get the tissues/ wah wah wah. But this chick was apparently 19 years old when she contracted bacterial meningitis and just about lost almost all her body parts. Well, a bunch of them. She lost her spleen, kidneys (I’m guessing they had to put at least one back in?), both legs and the hearing in one ear. (Topic for debate: Does the spleen really count? Dammit, I guess it does.) Anyway, this lady has been through all of that and still is in 100% better shape than me. She has won all these snowboarding awards. Unfortunately, however, lady luck still has not smiled on Amy. Her partner looks like Gary Dell’Abate from The Howard Stern show. The message here is to avoid bacterial meningitis. Not because you lose body parts but because you end up dating someone that looks like an ape that can talk. All kidding aside, I’d be pissed off if I were Amy. If you look at her bio on the Amazing Race page, she is the only one that has an explanation written in parentheses next to her name. Exhibit A:
Name: Amy Purdy (Amy is a double amputee).
http://www.cbs.com/shows/amazing_race/cast/
Hello CBS, is there really any good reason to have done this? I get it that you want to draw viewers in, but no need to treat Amy like a circus act. Seriously, I liken this to an ad for a bearded lady or something. No other cast member has anything written next to his or her name like that. I didn’t see anything like:
Name: Josh Kilmer-Purcell (Josh is gay);
Name: Lexi Beerman (Lexi is an annoying idiot).
You know what I mean? I’m sure she’s just a little tired of having the whole “Amy is a double amputee” asterisk next to her name already.
6. Brittany and Caitlin; “Hot chicks,” I mean, “best friends.” Any doubt these two would be named something like Brittany and Caitlin? Expecting parents out there, here is a very important lesson: DO NOT name your child Bertha if you want them to look like Brittany or Caitlin. I think there’s got to be statistics out there to show that there are very few ugly Brittanys and very few pretty Berthas. Anyway, they are “best friends from the Midwest.” The Midwest? Um, are we not allowed a more pinpointed location than that? Why not just say you’re from the Northern Hemisphere. Maybe these chicks are regularly stalked and that’s why they aren’t giving out more info than that. I am going to give these girls a couple extra points for playing college sports than I would normally give to the typical hot chicks we see on the Race. We’ll see.
7. Rob and Sheila – engaged couple from Pigeon Forge, TN. He’s a lumberjack or something (who cares) and she works in a boring office like the rest of us (who cares). Exciting stuff. Not getting a brainy vibe from this guy.
8. Gary and Will; substitute teachers and best friends for 30+ years. Gary is 6’6 and Will is 5’1. Let’s face it–Will should’ve been a jockey. Seriously, if you are a guy and you are 5’1, are you really seeking out a best friend who is nearing 7 feet tall? Uh, no. That’s kind of like being 700 pounds and hanging out with an anorexic. Try not to highlight your faults, right? Anyway, Will should be friending that guy from Game of Thrones immediately. (Peter Dinklage. Don’t judge me, I DO know his name.) And Tom Cruise should be friending Will. See how this works?
9. Abby and Ryan – dating Divorcees. I hate the word “divorcee” by the way. Any fruity word that requires an accent pretty much gets on my nerves. Notice how I didn’t bother adding the accent? That’s right. Moving along. I kind of hated this guy immediately when he declared: “I do Jujitsu.” I don’t know how to spell it and don’t care enough to look it up. Microsoft Word didn’t highlight it, so there it is. If it’s spelled wrong repeatedly, I’m sorry. Anyway, I’m not sure why, but as soon as he said “I do Jujitsu” and tried to take on a pretentious Asian lilt while saying it, I was pissed. This was followed up with footage he provided the show that looked to have been taken in 1985 of him kicking someone’s ass with these annoying Karate Kid type moves. I figured this was footage of the one time that that actually happened. I was totally annoyed with this prick. I just didn’t like how he pronounced Jujitsu like he’s one of these A-holes that thinks he can speak Japanese or Chinese or Korean or whatever (see, I still refuse to look it up) because he knows that one word. What a complete and utter tool. He just kept saying the Jujitsu thing like he was saying he operates on brains. Get over yourself, Ralph Macchio. Hanging out in the dojo is cool when you’re like eight. You are 45 and still kick people for fun, wear bandanas on your forehead, and collect colored belts. We’re not all that impressed. The final nail in his coffin for me was when he stood there with that “making my guns look bigger than they really are” pose. You know, arms folded with the hands strategically placed under the bicep muscles to bulge them out? Yeah, we’re not falling for that one pal.
10. Jaymes and James; Chippendale performers from Las Vegas. Well, this should be good. Will this be our dumb and dumber pair who gets confused because he has a partner with his own name? I think the real surprise here is that people still do this Chippendale sh*t. Is it 1983? I don’t want to prejudge but these two look like dummies to me. I’m not sure, but I don’t think many Nobel Prize winners started out in the “Chippendale dancer” field.
11. Rob and Kelley; Monster truck drivers, Boston, GA. She’s got that more modern version of the mullet hairstyle going. He’s got two gold hoop earrings and dyes his hair, mustache and goatee that fake almost-neon yellow color that should be labeled in the crayon box as “Urine.” He’s also got himself a tiny tuft of hair left from balding like a Cabbage Patch Kid but he tries to make it look intentional by styling it into a mohawk. Nah, we can still tell you’re bald. Nice try, Rob. This guy looks like he probably buys novelty Sons of Anarchy jackets off of EBay to feel cool in his spare time. So, in sum, the chick with the mullet is the better looking of the two. Don’t get to hear that everyday.