AMAZING RACE – 4/9/12

Brendon and Rachel are about a millimeter more “known” than the rest because of Big Brother. But I just don’t see how Art and JJ think they somehow “deserve” to be there more than anyone else. Maybe because Rachel already won a half million? I have no clue. Let’s face it: Brendon and Rachel are on there because she is an emotional train wreck and he switches between being a total a-hole or a complete pu*sy in dealing with her meltdowns. It makes for great TV. If anything, as annoying as those two are, JJ and Art are the boring ones in comparison. Anyway, I tend to think the border patrol guys putting out that drama in the ticket office was all for nothing. It’s not like that ticket agent isn’t going to give everyone that same flight as long as there are seats. Did Art and JJ pay him off? No? Then they are all going to be on the same plane with you. Get over it. It’s all so juvenile sometimes. “Stop following our taxi! Stop listening to which flight we are getting on!” Grow up, guys.

We’re next back to Nary and Jamie, who tell us for the 1000th time that they are federal agents NOT teachers. Thanks, we had forgotten. It has been a whole 14 days since we’ve heard. Perhaps the best clip last night was the apparent moron Jamie trying to move us about how she suffered a “training accident” in which she shot HERSELF in the femur. Okay, we’re not talking getting taken down in a drug raid, gang war or during the apprehension of one of America’s Most Wanted. We’re apparently talking about something along the lines of The Three Stooges here. Jamie manages to freaking shoot herself in the leg during a TRAINING exercise. Are we supposed to be moved by this story? Even Plaxico Burress is probably saying “What an ass.” You’ve got to love that our tax dollars are paying for moronic work injuries like this one. Anyway, I mentioned the Three Stooges because I am seriously getting a Larry and Curly vibe out of these two agents. I wonder whether their bosses suggested they take a couple months off and go on the Race just to get them out of their hair. By the way, these two aren’t actually a couple are they? I was thinking “partner” just meant riding around in a cop car together, but Jamie said Nary was in her bed every night while she recovered from her moronic self-injury. Just seemed kind of weird to me absent some sort of relationship. You know one of their mommas eyebrows are raised over that line.

So JJ and Art do get the prize for figuring out that the agents are actually in law enforcement, not teaching. Honestly, I’d have guessed they were way too dumb for either profession, but that’s just me. These two agents, who are trying to keep this huge secret that they are cops, are stupid enough to use cop code talk with the border patrol guys. Then, when JJ and Art call them on it, they basically just sit there with a “duh” look on their faces and their mouths hanging open. Just come clean already. You could not have been more obvious that the guys were right. They had absolutely no explanation for knowing the abbreviation “UC.” I mean, even I know what that abbreviation stands for in the context of police talk. I watch Southland and loved The Wire. There are about 2,000 cop shows on TV at any given time of day, right? At least pretend that’s where you got it from. Then, you almost could believe for a second there that Nary and Jamie actually do spend their days surrounded by kindergarteners because their last thought was “Our agency is better than your agency!” Wow. I am literally scared that my safety may depend on these two brainiacs someday.

I had the moment of sheer fingernails on a blackboard when some moron in this group felt the need to yell “Hakuna Matata” once they got to Africa. Really? The Lion King? I must say it was nice to have not heard that damn phrase or song for at least two years until now. Then some dumbass on the Race has to go and say it. Not to mention, I couldn’t tell who to blame because of bad editing. The sound came out but no one’s mouth was actually moving at the time. Anyway, to arrive at a place like Africa and immediately think of The Lion King, just shows how uncultured and basically dumb some people are. The first thought in one of those brainless heads of Africa was of a Disney cartoon from 1995 or something. Scary. I just wish I could tell to whom I could attribute that dumbness. Damn you, editors.

Hope you grabbed your popcorn because we’re immediately taken to that awesome airport fight between Brendon and Rachel and Vanessa and Ralph. In a scene right out of Fifth grade, one of the Brendon/Rachel duo brushed by Vanessa or Ralph too closely or something. Then Brendon gave Ralph the finger, which was apparently an unforgiveable offense. A really mature yelling match ensued in which the females could not stop berating each other’s physical appearances. Again, probably the two chicks on the Race with the most plastic surgery and they cannot stop attacking each other about the need for more surgery. Vanessa tells Rachel she should’ve done everyone a favor and gotten her nose fixed before her boobs and to put on more sparkles. Yes, folks…this sentence was uttered on prime time TV by a couple of thirty-somethings, not at grade school night at the roller rink. Rachel, speechless for once, takes a second before asking Vanessa if she is 38. Vanessa responds that she still looks younger than Rachel. Rachel puts on her “I’m SO offended” face with her mouth all hanging open and then shoots a look at Brendon. Surprisingly, she didn’t start attacking him for not defending her. She must’ve grown up about a millimeter since Big Brother anyway. But she does start whining that all Vanessa does is “say mean things and name call.” All that was missing was the pouty bottom lip hanging out. What exactly is the proper response to that phrase when said by someone in their Thirties? “Sticks and stones?” That would be my guess. In a passing shot at Art and JJ, whom Rachel must not have thought were supportive of her very mature debate with Vanessa, she calls them “Snobby McSnobsters.” I can’t believe no one got detention for this exchange.