AMAZING RACE – 3/26/12

Next to the Detour – “Apples” – searching an old crap car through a bunch of apples to find one with a Race flag or “Oil” – clean off some gross guy who has been soaking in oil in a bathtub. I think the same weirdo with gold teeth from the Fast Forward hoofed it back for this challenge because someone who looks to be his twin is in the tub. He had the weirdest chest hair pattern too. It looked like that Y incision used in an autopsy. Of course, he had hair all over his back too. Totally disgusting. They show another guy, equally as disturbing. He’s got three freaky moles on his chest in polar places as if they represent North, East and West on a compass. Very strange. I swear, the minute I got to that place and saw that guy with the moles I would’ve immediately run to those apples.

JJ and Art are pretty funny dealing with these oiled up gorillas. “Art, dude, I’m trying here but he’s got hair like I’ve never seen…. It’s for a million dollars, so sometimes you just need to scrub a man’s junk.” Wow, that didn’t make it as the show’s title? I mean, come on! Second place for title of the week was Rachel from Big Brother: “Wow, this is real oil.” Yeah. The biggest trade in the country is oil. What did you think they’d be using…Fake oil? I think that stupid headband is possibly making her even dumber.

Back at the apples – Nary and Jamie are so freaking slow at trying to find the special apple. They are totally screwed if they keep up this pace. They are literally taking it one apple at a time and inspecting each and every one. I’d be moving them around all over the place until I found one with the flag. These idiots are like making apple pies they are going so slow. Even the locals get impatient and yell at them to get it moving already. Maybe it’s all part of their strategy. “Gee, Nary…we may finish in ninth place at this pace…we better SLOW DOWN or they’ll think we’re federal agents or something.” Love to see them chasing down a suspect. I’m thinking sweatbands and some heavy power walking with pumping arms.

Vanessa and Ralph next have a moment on screen that I’m sure they regret. They run into the carpet shop with clues literally staring them in the face all over, yet decide to start searching inside the carpets for the clue. Vanessa finally realizes their mistake and says, “We are buffoons.” Yeah you are. Cheese and Crackers, Vanessa! I was trying to figure out what the hell you were doing. I was ready for them to try to install some carpeting or something to find the clue. They really blew that one.

Did I say last week that JJ and Art’s “We came in 1st place!” crap was getting on my nerves? They finish second (after GF and Dave) and of course have to put their two cents in on why they weren’t first. “That’s okay, since there was a Fast Forward and we weren’t allowed to do it again, we consider 2nd place to be 1st place!” Well, if you’re as good as you think you are, you should have finished the regular tasks before GF and Dave could Fast Forward to the pit stop, right?

Vanessa “the smart one” of the duo (of course, that bar isn’t all that high) tells Ralph to take note of what the apple looked like after Nary and Jamie found it. Smart thinking, really. Unfortunately, Vanessa is paired up with Bluto and he says, “It just looks like a big apple.” What a help you are, Ralph. Seriously, you could’ve told her about the red and yellow Amazing Race flag ribbon across the stem on top, and that may have helped her find it. But you are so dumb you couldn’t even describe that to her. Good job, Dumbo.

Anyway, what’s with Vanessa and Ralph and all this “Cheese and crackers!” crap? While they were fighting last week there was some definite language flying around. Ralph looks like he probably practices mixed martial arts directly on Vanessa on a regular basis but they are both saying “Cheese and Crackers” as a substitute swear phrase this whole episode? Wow, could not have been more annoying.

Joey Fitness and Danny show up to the Apple detour right after Vanessa and Ralph left. Danny’s strategy was: “We’re from the Big Apple so we’re going with apples.” All that was missing was a bunch of “duhs” scattered throughout that sentence. Pretty stupid. Anyway, I will say these two were probably smartest in picking the green apples. The flag will definitely stand out more there. Lucky for them, Vanessa and Ralph’s cab driver also seemed to have disappeared, so Joey Fitness and Danny seemed to have a chance. They found their apple quickly. In the end, it was all probably just editing making it look closer than it was though.

Pit stop:
1. Rachel and Dave
2. Art and JJ
3. Bopper and Mark
4. Rachel and Brendon
5. Nary and Jamie (They were so excited until they were told “You’re 5th.” Then they are disappointed “Ohhhhhhh.” Guess they were hoping for 6th or to be eliminated in order to continue their “strategy.”)
6. Vanessa and Ralph
7. Joey Fitness and Danny (Eliminated).

Previews – Looks like we won’t be seeing the Race next week. Good thing, we will need two full weeks to prep ourselves for the catfight that will be Vanessa and Rachel next time. There’s nothing like personal attacks about plastic surgery back and forth between two chicks that have clearly had a lot of it. They should be trading coupons for their next procedures instead of fighting, but whatever.

See you in two weeks!

Written by: Kim Wilson
Email: kwilson1101ATgmail.com
Twitter: @kwilson111