AMAZING RACE – 3/5/12

We’re back to Vanessa and Ralph, who are last at the watermelons and not doing well. Their pyramid seems to keep collapsing. This is probably one of those tasks that looks easier on TV than it really is. Who knows though, maybe these two are just idiots. They look to be in trouble unless they are really good at balancing bottles on their heads.

I guess Big Brother Rachel is working on her Spanish to please her man. She really steps up with a “Gracias, amigo” to the taxi driver. I consider this to be Sesame Street Spanish. Or maybe Dora the Explorer. But I’m sure she’s impressed with herself anyway.

Oh gross, anyone else catch Joey Fitness’ partner Danny’s arm? Zits all over the place. Wow, those roids sure deliver some ugly side effects.

And what was up with Big Brother Rachel’s cheesy Kool-aid smile during the bottle routine? Not really necessary. She was acting like people were going to give her tips or something for her performance. Just keep the bottle from breaking, dummy. Save the smile for that simpleton boyfriend of yours.

And, no surprise. We quickly get the opposite of the Kool-aid smile from Rachel. She treats us to a nice whine session while running to the pit stop followed by a panic attack or something on the actual mat. Just completely annoying and unnecessary. Anyone who remembers her infamous “crying in the bushes” scene from Big Brother would not be surprised with this one. This chick is the definition of high maintenance. And we’re not talking a chick that just wants stuff. This one wants stuff and is serving up a total emotional rollercoaster at all times. She requires constant reassurance and a talking down off the ledge regularly. I am shocked she found a guy willing to put up with this sh*t constantly, but then again, Brendon’s kind of a girl anyway.

Mark surprises by successfully finishing the bottle task, and from the look of it, fairly quickly. Good job on Mark’s part, by the way. These two are not the total dolts they are being made out to be. Can’t count them out yet. Bopper yells something in congratulations to Mark when he finishes the task. Anyway, it was hilarious because you couldn’t understand a word Bopper was saying. I turned on the closed captioning to try to figure it out. The closed captioning said “Come on, you dancing outfit you!” Yeah, they apparently didn’t catch it either. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what he said, but whatever. Maybe he called him a dancing a**hole, but I guess we’ll never know.

Wow, Vanessa and Ralph really suck with watermelons. We know just how bad now because they are basically stacking the watermelons with flashlights hanging out of their mouths. That’s a bad sign. They sure have given the locals quite a few laughs as their pyramids keep crashing. They finally finish at what must be midnight and still have to do the bottle task. I guess they are in trouble in less we see Elliot still all wrapped up in the harp strings like a cat with a ball of yarn or something.

Vanessa and Ralph arrive at the bottle task and were shocked to see the twins still there. So was I, to be honest. I thought this was an editing trick where they were just trying to make it look like the twins were doing those harps as late as the others were working on the watermelons. I mean, I get the watermelons taking forever if you are rushing and not stacking them well. It’s not a stretch that they will keep collapsing in that scenario, especially given the tendency to not completely start over every time they fall. But how the freak long does it take to string a harp? Especially considering “Mr. I’ve strung so many guitars we should be great at this!” being involved. Whatever. Was he trying to weave a frickin blanket with the strings or something? I just can’t get what was so hard with that task.

Unbelievable. Ralph and Vanessa finish the bottle task first. I must say, this was one of the times on the Amazing Race where you are actually on the edge of your seat. You really weren’t sure who would be able to finish the bottle task first, or if both teams would be getting the 2 hour penalty. I was thinking it may have come down to a footrace to the pit stop to see whose penalty kicked in first. But Ralph and Vanessa, as slow as they were with the watermelons, totally turned it around with the bottles. I will give the twins credit, they finished shortly afterward. Surprisingly, only GF and Dave were ultimately given the 2 hour penalty. I really thought that more of the teams would’ve screwed that one up. Who knew that GF and Dave’s heads weren’t suitable for the task? Haha.

In what proved to be a really tight footrace to the pit stop, Ralph and Vanessa squeak this one out.

Pit stop order:
1. JJ and Art
2. Brendon and Rachel
3. Joey Fitness and Danny
4. Bopper and Mark
5. Nary and Jamie
6. GF and Dave (Phil basically tells them: “You are losers, congrats.” Apparently, it’s the first time in the history of the show that someone hasn’t completed a task and still was able to stay in the race.)
7. Kerri and Stacy
8. Vanessa and Ralph
9. Elliot and Andrew (eliminated). Must’ve been very close because Vanessa and Ralph were still there on the mat when they arrived. Just goes to show that as soon as someone says “I should be good at this because….” they may as well just eliminate themselves.

Previews: The teams are moving on to Italy, so Big Brother alum Rachel decides it’s a good time to wear a beret. What a world traveler. We see foreshadowing of more Brendon and Rachel fighting and crying and a ridiculous amount of whining that even my small children would be annoyed with. If there’s no column next week, just know that it will be because I couldn’t take it and offed myself.

Have a great week!

Written by : Kim Wilson
Email: kwilson1101ATgmail.com
Twitter: @kwilson111