THE AMAZING RACE – 10/2/11

So next Marcus decides to enlighten us on this compelling fact: “I’m a deer hunter and I’m always up in trees.” He seems to think this will help him repel down into a cave. Not sure I get the connection. Maybe just try jumping to the bottom, huh Marcus? I think there’s a loose football down there. Ugh. Sorry for you hunters out there, but I’m not a fan of hunting either. Now is him being up in a tree hunting fair, seriously? You got Bambi grazing peacefully and you’re like freaking black Rambo up in a tree, trying to get a better view to better assist you in blowing her brains out. I am no hunter (obviously) but I really think it’s more fair (and competitive) at least to level the playing field and stay on the ground where you belong. Makes it more likely you’ll shoot one of your camo-dressed friends instead too.

Now that I’ve alienated the hunters out there, I hope I don’t offend too much saying this but my closed captioning was kind of far behind last night. It made it look like the gay guys were the ones that explained that spelunking is “Going down in the hole.” I almost fell off my seat thinking these editors are sick people until I realized the captions were off and it was actually Zac and Laurence that said it. But I still think these captions people did it on purpose. Sorry, enough second grade humor…moving along.

So Cindy and one of the twins is down in the cave bottom and see the guy hitting the gong and decide to scream like frigging Freddie Krueger was down there….Uh, what was so scary about that one? The best part was that the gong guy looked annoyed. I love that. You could almost hear the expletives referring to dumb female Americans in his head. That actually would make the show awesome: one of those bubble clouds over his head saying “A**holes.” Maybe someday. Anyway, I was really surprised when the guys ALSO squealed like little girls when they ran into the guy with the gong. What was the deal with this segment? “Pretty crazy!” one of the guys screamed. Uh, it’s a guy with a gong. And he hits the gong…exactly ONCE. What the hell was so scary or crazy about this segment? Indonesia will probably ban Americans soon for this kind of annoying sh*t.

Moving along…next we’re treated to some really compelling thinking from Cindy (these other racers are probably just making her dumber or something). She says something like “We were told to find a mask at the bottom; I saw a mask on a stick, so I figured that must be it.” Uh, yeah. Don’t think they’d be tripping you up by putting right and wrong masks down there or anything. I mean, there was no actual specific description of the masks that should be recovered, so any one you find must be it, right? Are they editing out the smart comments or are there just no smart comments in this group? It’s like we’re hearing the rudimentary thinking of a three year old or something with these people.

So I could not tell which brainiac was responsible for the next idiotic and unfunny statement. My guess would’ve been Ernie but I actually think it was Jeremy: “It’s like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Jakarta.” People should have to die for those kinds of jokes, in my opinion. Give the cameraman a gun, just in case this happens again. Sorry. Not funny. You wouldn’t have gotten a laugh out of a five year old for that one. And you’ve got the wrong reality show. This isn’t Last Comic Standing, but if it were, you sure as hell wouldn’t still be standing. Sorry to be so critical, but there’s nothing that annoys me more than cheesy, stupid jokes. Just shut up and race.

Kaylani and Lisa are next enlightening us with banter such as “I can’t even explain to you how green and beautiful it was down there….” Uh, you do realize we will be watching the footage on these large boxes we have in our houses just for viewing such things, right? You don’t have to explain. We probably have a better view of it than you did. Speaking of those large boxes, many will probably be watching you on the dirty channels on them shortly. That’s how sure I am of the turn your careers will take after this.

Now we’re focused on Bill and his talk of the rungs of the bamboo ladder out of the cave being too far apart for the girls. “That’s when I was able to move ahead because I have such a strong upper body.” Yeah, you’re a regular Schwarzenegger, Bill. Just because you weigh 5 pounds more than Cindy doesn’t exactly make you a body builder. They were girls and their legs were shorter than yours, period. But if you want to feel stronger than someone for the first time in your life, go right ahead.

Next we hit the detour: Money Maker or Ticket Taker. Earn 30,000 rupiah dancing like a moron in the street or be a ticket taker being a motorbike attendant collecting 15,000 rupiah and what looked like 15,000 bikes at once. Is this really possible that people pay weirdoes to dance around with masks on while waiting for traffic? Can’t wait to see the x-rated show our showgirls put on with this one. Next the racers are told to travel to an orphanage and give the money away. You can tell they are setting us up when they show us the clue that says they have to turn over ALL the money in their possession to the orphanage — looking like at least one teams is gonna screw this one up.

So at this point, any one else surprised Bill and Cathi are still upright? Upright, but also annoying unfortunately. What was the strange language he adopted trying to get his taxi driver to move? Started with “hey hey hey!” and then warped into “Cha Cha Cha!…Bla Bla Bla!” coupled with a lot of forward finger pointing. Just goes to show you the ridiculous stuff that the racers say when trying to get non-English speaking taxi drivers to move their asses. Of course, this is also Yabba Dabba Doo guy, so it doesn’t take much with this one. But you got to wonder because the drivers never seem to be in a rush. Chatting with friends, stopping for gas, there’s always at least one that doesn’t give a sh*t he’s being filmed on this show and gives less of a sh*t about helping his fare move faster than anyone else. I love those drivers when their racers are dripping sweat and frantically trying to impart the seriousness of the situation on them by pointing and saying “Fast! Fast!” while the driver basically just yawns back at them.